2018

Hello guys.

2018 has started with a BANG!!

IM BACK IN SCHOOL!!

I decided to add onto my already busy schedule with getting my bachelors in criminal justice. I’m going online at Southern New Hampshire University which they are amazing.

I’m excited about the possibilities of where my degree could take me.

I found Abbie an amazing daycare and she loves every moment of it. She’s down the road from me so it makes me feel good to know she’s right there if something was to happen.

It really teaches her so many things and stuff that’s personally picked for her for what she’s struggling with.

A couple of my best friends are getting married and I’m so excited.

I’m making 2018 my year.

Weight loss. School. Being a mom. Work. I have big plans for me and my little.

Trying to find a time to date has been interesting tho. Maybe one day.

We have been having snow here lately so me and Abbie have been staying warm.

‘Tis the Season.

Well.

It’s Christmas again.

Last year around this time I was packing up my house ready for whatever the world was going to bring me or really my move back home to Arkansas. I didnt know what life had in store for me at the time but it was some pretty good things.

But where there is good there is bad.

Unless something major happens between now and end of the year this is probably my last post for 2017.

I am so thankful for my amazing job at the Board of Nursing. It’s one of the many positives things that happened in 2017.

Abbie turned the whopping ONE.

Baby daddy actually stuck around.

He got married…

I almost got married and then my mind finally clicked.

But most of all between those good and bad things I am most happy and thankful for my beautiful Abigail.

It’s been a year since I started getting myself back.

Feeling Lost

Today, I feel lost.

I honestly have no idea what to do…

Emotionally I feel so drained and stressed..

I am wanting to get my daughters last name changed to mine..

I originally put her fathers last name as her name because during the time I still had feelings for him and thinking on a chance he would come back into my life I did that.

Now that I have moved on from him and my feelings aren’t there anymore, I am wanting to get it changed to mine.

I feel as tho me being her primary parent, guardian, and the person that doesn’t come in and out her life once a month that it would make sense to do this.

In a way I feel selfish but also in a way I feel like this is the right thing to do.

What if one day he decided to stop coming..or something else happens. I have no idea what do anymore. I am feeling lost like I said…

Opinions are welcomed and kind of needed…

Also, in the event I ever get married I am keeping my last name so no matter what she would still share a name with me.

Its The Holiday Season

This week is my baby girls second Thanksgiving and she has enough teeth to eat some turkey!

Its been a stressful past couple of weeks.

Hospital visit to Childrens last week because my poor baby girl was not eating or drinking, barely playing, and had 20 poop diapers…we were there for 10 hours..it was not fun..

BUT she seems to be doing better besides allergies and teething.

They said stomach virus but were not fully sure.

Then with the poop we had to battle a diaper rash for a week which was not fun.

BTW a good thing to help soothe your little ones if they have a extreme diaper rash is this Aveeno oatmeal bath stuff. It seemed very soothing to her and it helped clear it up along with Lotruim (normally a foot cream), Aquophor, and this other diaper cream combined. (I can’t spell)

I have been grateful for my mom because shes literally been there for me through this whole thing while dealing with my depression (yay..) Hoping to get some one on one time with her this weekend as Abbie’s father is suppose to be in sometime Friday. I had been planning a Black Friday day with my bestie for a month now. And Its a rare occasion for me to have a day to myself…. I normally only get a few hours but I will have to wait for my mommy day.

My greatest blessing in life is my daughter. I wouldnt know what to do without her.

My father finally got to meet his granddaughter for the first time.

It went surprising horrible…at least in my head lol.

From my knowledge, he was mostly smoking and on his phone the whole time which isn’t cool… Didn’t change one diaper.. and mentioned something about something I probably cant share yet

It was a mess…

I’m back on the dating scene officially..

Waiting to see where life will take me now. Well, take me and Abbie.

 

Throw back to last year!!

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Grateful?

There comes a time and place where I get told on occasion where I should be grateful for what Abbie’s dad does for her and me. But…should I really be?

Let’s think about it.

I’m a single mom. Should I be grateful that I have to do this alone? (With the help of my mom because without her I’d be lost) Grateful that he actually visits…once a month…because most guys don’t do that with their kids? How about actually stepping up tho? I guess the bar of being a dad is set too low.

Grateful he gives me money each month? Okay yea I’ll give you that but what he gives is a fraction of what the state would make him pay. So again…. but really I am on this one because it does help me out each month.

Grateful he’s even in my daughters life? He’s there part time. I don’t know if this will confuse her more or make her think it’s okay it’s normal for dads to do this and when she finally meets a guy this same exact thing might happen to her? No. I’m definitely going to teach her that no it’s not normal but it’s our normal..sadly.

Incase anyone has forgotten the past, maybe you should go a few blogs back.

And before you ever tell me to be grateful for something I honestly don’t even have to be because trust me TRUST ME I grew up with no father around and no help from him so I get it that life without a dad is hard and sad, understand and put yourself in my shoes.

I feel like I preach about being in my shoes.

I don’t think you’d be grateful for having to work a full time job and then be mom so working at least 80 hours a week with maybe some sleep if you’re sick.

But I am grateful for people and things.

I’m grateful for my mom and my aunt and cousins who are there to help me.

I’m grateful for my job.

I’m grateful for diapers and wipes

I’m grateful for pizza and Dairy Queen

But grateful to have a boy come in and out of my daughters life to just confuse her (honestly I don’t even have to let her in his life legally) no. I don’t have to be. Even if other dads suck more oh well!

Rant over?

What Kind of Mom I Am VS. The Mom I Thought I Would Be…

When I was first pregnant and getting into to what kind of mom I thought I would be, I envisioned a mom that would never let her daughter do this that or the other. I thought I would be the mom that would only buy this certain brand of diapers and never this other brand. I was going to be that ‘crazy mom’

Examples!

I thought I would only use The Honest Company well EVERYTHING! But in reality, and my personal opinion, they kind of suck. I use Pampers Swaddlers because I fell in love with them! They have this wonderful line of yellow that turns blue when its ready for a changing because trust me being a mom you can forget even the obvious of things. I even gave Parents Choice a chance but they aren’t for me. (Even my mom was surprised I tried them)

Dreft is a wonderful and amazing thing…when on sale in bulk… since a year of having my child many other companies have come out with their version of baby laundry detergent and trust me there are CHEAPER options out there.

Food.. I was at first always scared to give my daughter certain foods but then I realized well she has teeth and she can USE THEM! Cheerios are our best friend (along with puffs) and GRAM CRACKERS!! Also the Gerber meals are amazing.. I can even down some mac and cheese from them!

Milk…. Okay… this one… I really had to part with… I never thought in a million years I would let my child have cows milk… I have heard nothing but horror stories… she does get some but the toddler drink is where we are trying to mostly be at. Needless to say she absolutely loves her organic milk!

I turned into the mom I never thought I would be in a million years and guess what? Its okay…

My baby is loved and happy and living life with her momma to the fullest.

This is the life of a working single mom just trying to get by in life one day at a time. IMG_1299

Actually no.

I decided to trash my last post.

Why give up something I love?

I absolutely love blogging.

I ran across something this morning and it’s really what I have been trying to say for the longest time.

Sorry about the language but it’s true.

In my situation it’s true….

Some might be mad about this but it’s time to wake up and face the reality of certain situations in my life and this is just one.

I know I’ve praised Abbie’s dad because well yes he does visit and yes he gives me a certain amount of money each month but when he visits it’s not for long and I don’t think a one year old cares about money. The money isn’t even a big deal. If he stopped I wouldn’t let him stop seeing her.

The point of the matter is that Abbie really isn’t growing up with her father. She just sees him occasionally.

I go above and beyond (try) for them to communicate. It’s mostly FaceTime. No where in this book of life says I have to do any of the things I’m doing and no where does it say he has to do the things he’s doing.

In the end, my main focus is Abbie. How Abbie’s life will be while she’s growing up and who needs to stay and who needs to leave.

Maybe one day certain people will realize.