I’m Only Human…

As humans, we make mistakes. We try to do the right things and sometimes we succeed and sometimes we fail. 

I’m only human. 

But realize what I’m saying. I’m a human. I’m a person. With emotions. With feelings. 

I made mistakes on how I handled a few things yes. But I’ve tried to fix them. One thing that I’ve tried to fix is the friendship that I once had with the daughters father. A new thing I’m trying to do is become friends with his fiancée. 

Most people don’t understand that by accepting these things and dealing with them that I have to realize that he didn’t want that family life with me yet we have a child. It hurts yes. It kills me a little inside yes. Because at a time me and him loved each other and I never thought this would happen. 

I’ve learned that it takes a strong person to accept this life. To go on like everything is okay while deep down inside I’m crying and hurting asking God why. But only He knows why. 

A year ago I was trying to accept my life as a single mom…knowing that I was about to go through this journey with only me, Abbie, and my mom (because she’s been my biggest supporter and helper). I don’t know what I would do if I was alone. I was trying to accept something so scary yet so amazing. I was never so happy yet depressed. 

One day I’ll find out the reason of why my life is headed this way but from last year to now things have gotten better. 

I have stability in a career path. I am about to have a one year old. I’ve become (trying) more accepting of the situation before me. 

It’s hard and doesn’t happen over night but I know one day I’ll get there with the help of Abbie. 

This weekend my little girl turns 1. ONE! Gah. I’m about to be water works.  She’s got teeth, she’s got sas, she’s got her mommas and her daddies looks. 

What’s It Like Growing Up Fatherless. 

I grew up without my father being around. It was so weird to me to see dads around. 

It was interesting. It got lonely. It got sad. 

I always had so many questions like what does he look like, what’s his name, where is he. 

And then once I got older my questions were why didn’t he come find me. Why did he let me grow up fatherless knowing I was out there. 

I had to wait till it was freshman year of college to get to meet him. The first Christmas I spent without my precious grandmother because she had died that same year I spent with him. 

I never really knew how much it really affected me till I got pregnant. I realized that I wanted her to have her parents. I didn’t want her to not know her dad. Because I didn’t want her to feel that pain. 

Sadly. Things don’t end up the way you want them to go. 

Like my mother, I’m a single mom. But at least he visits unlike what my dad did. And he was there for her birth unlike my dad. 

But it brought emotions I never knew I had against my father. I didn’t want her to feel the way I did growing up. 

He decided to raise someone else’s daughter. He decided to have a life away from me. 

And you know it makes me a stronger mom today growing up with a single mom. 

You’re never truly forced into something because you made the choices to get to where you are. Then you just simply make excuses 

I’ll never understand certain things in this world  

I’ve cried many tears and still do from time to time but my daughter will always be loved by me and my mom 

I officially have an 11 month old! Time is flying. 

Why I Did What I Did…

If you’ve been reading this from the start I’m sorry haha. 

It’s been an emotional rollarcoaster. 

I just wanted to share today why I did what I did before. 

I fought for my child to have a normal life. I fought for her. Not for me. I always told myself that when I had a family that I would be married and settled but obviously god had different plans for me. 

I absolutely enjoy being a single mom but would be somewhat easier if her dad was around? Yes at times. Would I be happy? I don’t know. 

I did things in a wrong way because I didn’t know how to handle my world crashing down on me. I didn’t know what to say or do. 

Do I still feel anger? Yes of course. It might always be there. 

Do I get depressed still? I do. I’m not completely ‘healed’. I have bad days but I also have very good days. 

One thing this has taught me, is that we make our decisions in life by choices set infront of us. I choose to always be a mom before anyone else and to protect my daughter above all. But others didn’t make those choices and choose a different route to go on. 

It’s up to you to make the choices to get to where you are in life. It’s no one else’s fault but your own because YOU choose this life. 

Wouldn’t it be crazy if we did something even if it was an in a way an unpopular decision. 

One thing I’ve always wanted to say to people (women mostly) who don’t understand why I acted the way I did or sometimes now is: what if you were doing this alone? How would you feel or react? 

Thought so…

I want to reflect on how much I’ve grown in the time from last year to now. It’s been a big change. 

Someone asked me ‘well what if he came back and wanted to work it out what would you do?’ I said, ‘ I would work it out, not for me but for Abbie because she deserves to have both parents full time in her life. ‘ 

I know I can handle this alone. I’ve been doing it. I know I don’t need some guy to make me happy. I know I got this. 

I can be Both when he’s absent. 

Even tho he is, he’s still a good father to my daughter when he’s around and I’ll be forever grateful for that. 

The Life…

I knew being a mom was not only a huge responsibility but it can be exhausting. 

Feeling the full force of teething and growth spurt at the same time and it’s not pretty. Sometimes you have sleepless nights, you’ll go through everything trying to figure out why they are crying when nothing else works you just do what you can comfort your little one, the nights you’re up every two hours (again) for a bottle. But it’s worth it. I’m riddled with exhaustion but it’s worth it. If you look at me you can see it on my face and in my eyes but I always have a smile because I’m grateful everyday for my little girl. Her life gives me joy everyday. Her smile warms my heart. Her kisses make me feel on top of the world. I never thought it was humanly possible to love someone this much. 

Yes there are frustrations because you get to the point of exhaustion where you just want to collapse and sleep for days but you can’t. Because it’s just you right now. 

Last night at 1:30 AM Abbie woke up crying wanting a bottle but she decided it was time to get up and play. I turned on the tv to see if it would help and it didn’t. It was about an hour of me trying to get her to sleep then she cried for a solid 10 mins because she didn’t want a diaper change and she was tired but fighting it and she didn’t want a bottle or pacifier. I was trying to calm her down and nothing worked. Thankfully my mom came in and took over as I made Abbie a second bottle. I found myself in tears because I felt like I failed. I felt like I failed as a mom because I just got to the point of where I was just too exhausted to function and Abbie knew that but she doesn’t know what she’s doing poor girl. 

Forever grateful for my mom, because without her I would truly be alone raising my little girl. She helps me be the mom I need to be. The one that I want to be. 

A couple months ago Abbie and me did a photo shoot for ICAN or International Cesarean Awareness Network, Arkansas Chapter to raise money for our group. Here’s a few of those photos. 


I’m all about body positive and these honestly show what it’s like to be a mom. No makeup. Hair up. It’s everything I could of hoped and wished for. 

Forever my number one. Forever my word. Forever my one true love. 

As we lay here in bed she’s already snoozing away. I will forever cherish these moments with her. 

This is the life of a single mom. 

I’m Not the Typical Girl Mom….

I might of written about this but just incase I haven’t here’s me on being a girl mom. 

I don’t dress her everyday, in cute clothes, in bows, fancy shoes. The only time she will get dressed is if we have to go somewhere. And that’s normally a onesie or shirt with shorts. 

It’s summer and I also don’t want tons of laundry. And she normally will mess up her clothes midday anyways so then I’m changing her clothes again. 

Is it worth it? No. 

I mean if it’s cold ouside that’s different because then we will just stay in our PJs all day. Like we did in the winter. 

Bows aren’t our friend. We pull and tug and nag and fuss. It’s not worth the fight and that’s the same with shoes. 

Half the time people think she’s a boy even in pink and dresses and that’s okay because I choose to not dress her super girly. 

I’m theminimalist  mom. I do what needs to be done in areas but in some areas like cleaning I spend more time in. Because she’s crawling and everything is going in her mouth. 

So call me a bad girl mom I don’t care, but my baby is loved and fed and happily tearing up the living room as I am writing this because you know what? She’s having fun. That’s what matters most. 

It shouldn’t be about th expensive things your kids have it should be about the love you show them. 

Let’s throw it back to the mom look. Not the perfect look. 

   

It’s Almost Been A Year

In a month and a half my cute little baby girl will be one. 

ONE!! 

I thought that when this moment came I would be like omg my baby is growing up and be happy which I am but I’m also just kind of sad. Which I think every parent is both at this point right? 

Planning is currently underway for misses first bday party. It’s Sophia the Giraffe theme because my sweet girl loves giraffes. 

She’s forever the best thing that’s happened to me because I never thought for a million years I would love being mom. But I absolutely love being her mommy. 

Making memories everyday, learning new things everyday, and just getting to be with her during these special moments makes life so much better. She’s standing so soon I think she will be walking but I haven’t been pushing her, I want her to be comfortable with it. But we are almost there , I think she’s just a little scared. 

Soon my little angel soon. 

***ILL BE MAKING A NEW BLOG SITE POSSIBLY SOON WHICH I WILL LINK TO THIS ONE. ITS GOING TO BE OVER HOW IM RAISING HER ON A MORE VEGAN ROUTE. 

What I Love About Being Mommy

I never realized I would love being a mom as much as I do. It’s literally the best job in the world. 

I wake up to a smiling face, to a little person who loves me, my daughter. Every morning is something new. Everyday is a new day for us. 

If I was to find the right person I would have one more but time will tell. 

Yes there is poop to clean up daily, there is crying, there is work to be put into being a mom but I wouldn’t trade it for the world. 

Give me the poops the tears the days where she just fights naps (today being one of those) the sick times and the best times. When she looks up to me and says mama my heart melts every time. 

We will continue our journey to get closer with the lord and maybe one day it won’t just be me and her but even if it is, that’s okay because no matter what she makes me the happiest momma in the world.